A reader, let me call her Lakshmi, called last week with a story that is actually tragically commonplace in our country. Lakshmi’s brother has two children. The boy is a slow learner besides having other mental disabilities. The girl is bright, beautiful, and an engineering graduate who works in an IT company. The family cannot get a groom for their daughter because of her brother.
The usual reaction to this, I find, is to shrug one’s shoulders and say ‘what else do you expect?’. Well, we do expect much more from this generation, one that is vastly more educated and which understands science and medicine. The rejections don’t come from any great position of medical knowledge, but just plain superstition and fear. Lakshmi told me, in a voice filled with sorrow, how families would say, within earshot, ‘The girl is fine but her brother is mad’.
These are not illiterate, poor families. They are bank tellers, software coders and accountants. They are exposed to media and the Internet. They warm their food in microwave ovens, use smart phones to communicate and summon the latest medical technology when they fall ill. Why don’t they ask for a simple genetic test from the girl? That’s all it takes really, if your progeny is what you are worried about. Apparently, the girl’s parents have already done it and have clear results but no family is even interested in a look.
And what’s wrong with our young men? Why don’t they play a more active role? Why don’t they educate and reassure their parents that there’s nothing dangerous in this marriage because today, even foetal testing is possible?
There’s another aspect to the affair. Lakshmi’s brother’s family have freedom fighters and mixed marriages in their own lineage but still want a groom from within their community. “They won’t object if the girl falls in love with someone from another community but they don’t want to look,” says Lakshmi.
The self-deception of this takes my breath away but I gently tell Lakshmi that she must continue persuading them because their daughter’s life and happiness matter more than communal purity. Lakshmi agrees, but is helpless. The girl’s family is obviously somewhat disappointed that she has not conveniently fallen in love. This is the same family that would have probably locked her up and thrown away the keys if she had dared to as much as talk to a boy in happier circumstances. Young men who study rocket science but still allow their parents to ‘reject’ brides with casual cruelty. Families who vehemently oppose ‘love’ but who, in trying times, wish their daughters would find a boy, any boy… Is there any end to the double standards we Indians indulge in, almost sub-consciously and continuously? Incidentally, Lakshmi ended by telling me that they are Madhavas, descendants of the Marathas who came to Tanjavur in the 17th Century. Is there no young man out there with just a bit of the courage of his ancestors?
