Risk takers are achievers

A mother and her child sleeping. Go on, have children if you long for them. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • I do not advise women who are HIV-positive, and are longing for babies, to throw caution to the wind. I didn’t do that. Mine were calculated, not careless risks.

  • As I took these risks, I recalled the stress I went through when I had my firstborn son, Peter, over 20 years ago.

  • Back then, the lines between myths and facts were blurred. I was told my baby would die an undignified death before his first birthday. 

CHILDREN ARE VERY CLOSE to my heart. This explains why I went out of my way, and against my biological clock, to get four more children after Peter.

Getting children is easy; the hard work is in raising them. It is even more stressful if you and your partner are HIV-positive, and have to pray, and hope against hope, that your babies will be HIV-free.

I knew what I was getting into when I decided to get children. I knew there was an off chance that they would be HIV-positive. However, I also knew that chances were higher that they would be HIV-negative.

I decided to take the risk. “This is my last hurrah,” I swore to myself. I couldn’t just sit and watch the world and time pass me by. I knew that if I did not act, I would wonder for the rest of my life what could have been had I taken that plunge. This is a longing that only a mother knows about.

Calculated versus careless risks

I do not advise women who are HIV-positive, and are longing for babies, to throw caution to the wind. I didn’t do that. Mine were calculated, not careless risks.

As I took these risks, I recalled the stress I went through when I had my firstborn son, Peter, over 20 years ago.

Back then, the lines between myths and facts were blurred. I was told my baby would die an undignified death before his first birthday. 

After Peter was born, I spent the next many years worrying about his HIV status. I have done difficult things in life. I had been through tough times.

But the hardest thing and the toughest time I ever had were the days leading to taking Peter for a HIV test. And that’s just the half of it: the waiting for the results killed me, before I was resurrected by his HIV-negative outcome.

These before and after scenarios are some of the factors a woman who is HIV-positive, and is seeking babies, ought to seriously think about.  

Acceptance and support

Another thing that many HIV-positive women longing for babies do not usually have are psycho-social support structures. Many women choose to walk this road quietly.

They are afraid of what people, and sometimes even loved ones, will say and do. For instance, when I had my twins, someone called me selfish, while another told me I was setting up my children for death. I think this last person does not know about prevention of mother-to-child transmission programs. The last time I conceived, I wanted to get my babies quietly. I almost got away with it.

I carried the pregnancy to term without many of my colleagues knowing what was brewing, but of course, being in the public’s eye comes with its price.

If HIV-positive mothers-to-be knew they would be understood, accepted and supported, their experiences would not be so nerve-racking. Sometimes even our partners might not get it.

They might ‘bounce’ us when it’s time for the doctor’s appointment or simply refuse to play an active role in the child’s life.

Speaking from experience, I know this baby-longing is more than a hormones’ thing. It’s more than playing catch with one’s biological clock.

As one woman in the Bible cried out to God: “Give me a child, lest I die.” Yes. This yearning is a matter of life and death.

They’ve got you

When I look at my children, I’m grateful that the risks I took paid off. The risks were medical and financial. The other day I was thinking that some of them should, for obvious reasons, be christened, Mortgage!

I understand that other women have had heart-breaking outcomes, that’s why I’m looking forward to a time when HIV-positive mothers-to-be won’t have to worry themselves sick about the health of the babies growing inside their wombs. The womb is supposed to be the safest place for a child to grow in, but it is as if this virus attacks a woman at her most vulnerable place.

While pregnant with the twins, I remember visualising this virus inside my womb, attacking my two little defenceless angels. I shared my worries with my doctor.

He reassured me, and told me that though my concerns were natural, they were doing everything in their power to make sure we had a great outcome.

That’s the assurance I want to give HIV-positive mothers-to-be, especially first-timers, who are worried that the virus has got them: “Your doctor and God have you”.