A suitable boy

Sunita, a visually-impaired 51-year-old, comes from an upper-middle-class background. After she completed her education, her parents tried extremely hard to get her married to a suitable boy from their community, but to no avail. As the years went by, her parents passed away and Sunita was still unmarried. In the end, at the age of 50, she got married to an auto-rickshaw driver.

Anita, 47, also visually-impaired, wanted to get married when she came of age, but no suitor could be found for her. After a long time, a match did come by. But at the last minute, it was found that the boy was already married and was trying to cheat her. Luckily, she escaped what would have been a harrowing ordeal.

In a fast-paced, competitive world, it is difficult being a physically-challenged woman, more so when it comes to getting married. Society does not treat these children of a lesser God with equality. Many of these women have to battle it out, often in nasty ways, to succeed in tying the knot.

Ground reality

According to the 2011 census, there are about 10-11 million disabled women in India. From this number, of those who reach marriageable age, only about 30 percent are married. It is a stigma to be disabled, and finding a suitable partner is a Herculean task. “Often, disabled women have to settle for a match that is below their expectation,” says Nandini of Action Aid. She goes on to say that disabled women have to primarily focus on getting married in the disabled community itself.

Madhu Singhal of the NGO, Mitra Jyothi, believes that a lot of disabled women entertain a desire to get married, but falter in their quest in doing so. The world and society generally frown upon disabled women in their search for a mate. Disabled women have to bear the brunt of the society’s narrow and prejudiced views.

Ask any disabled woman about life in general and they are sure to speak out a litany of woes. It is a struggle for them to lead a normal life. Education, job, upward mobility...things the rest of society takes for granted, are tasks of Himalayan proportions for the disabled.

Fewer disabled women in urban and rural India have made a success of their lives. And marriage is no exception. It remains a veritable stumbling block for disabled women. They are almost always perceived as a burden.

A majority of these women in India receive very little education and so they do not have the skills with which they can make themselves economically independent. There are various NGOs and government schemes which are at work, trying to train these women. However, they are inadequate and have not yet been successful in solving the problem in its roots.

The result is that a large number of disabled women have no support system and a lifeline through which they could better themselves educationally, economically and health-wise. Their family is the only source of support for them and when they reach a marriageable age, they are at a severe disadvantage in finding a suitable life partner.

Many a times, a proposal comes along only if the boy perceives an economic gain in marrying the disabled girl or if the boy is way inferior to the girl. To illustrate this view, let’s look at the case of 48-year-old Diya.

Diya’s father was a government engineer and when she was struck by polio in childhood, her family took care of her and helped complete her education. When she turned 21, there was a lack of prospective matches for her from her community. Her father then married her off to a boy from a rural background, who had no education or resources.

He also set up an eatery/tea stall in town for the boy so that he could earn his livelihood. The couple had two children. Diya’s father is now at peace with himself. Even if the boy leaves her now, he says, there is no need to worry. “My daughter has two children who will take care of her when they grow up,” he says.

Ray of hope

However, it is not all gloom and doom for these women. With the advent of technology and the arrival of the digital age, there is a surfeit of information and knowledge. People are now more educated and their mindsets and views about disability and disabled women are undergoing a change for the better. The reach of media has created awareness about the state of affairs of disabled women, among other issues. Disabled women are now better placed in choosing a family life compared with their counterparts a generation ago.

For instance, 35-year-old, polio-afflicted Sreedevi, is happily married. Her family supports her wholeheartedly and she drives her own vehicle to office and back.

Similar is the case of Sheela, 28, who has been living with a speech disorder. Her husband and family have been extremely supportive; they sent her to therapy and now she is working and leading a happy married life.

Technology and Internet have been a boon for disabled women with regard to their marriage issues. Says Anuradha Kabra, a psychologist: “Disabled women can now put up their profiles on online matrimonial sites and prospective grooms can access all the information needed about the girl. No details need to be hidden. Genuine parties can then approach the girl if they are interested. The disabled girl can also screen profiles of men so that any untoward incidents can be prevented.”

Sure, things are changing. But there’s a long way to go, before marital bliss comes knocking on many a door.

(Some names have been changed to protect their identities)