It’s O.K. Breathe deeply. Take it easy. You can get through this. Here’s what you should do if you find a(n):
ANT
An ant is a rare thing; several ants is more common. They’re quite easy to catch, and rather tasty if you can shrink your taste buds.
BOMB
You may have heard people say that it’s not a good idea to find a bomb. Well, they’re correct. You’re right to panic. What you need to do now will depend on the following:
Size: What size are you? If you’re bigger than the bomb, you might be able to kick it into the distance. If not, keep reading.
Weather: If it’s raining, the bomb will get wet. With any luck, a soggy bomb will just crumble. Problem solved! If that doesn’t happen, read on.
Running: Can you run? Now is the time to try that. Pick the direction in which the bomb isn’t. Keep moving until dusk, then rest for about thirty seconds, and start moving again.
CELLO
A cello, you say? How fortunate. If you’ve found a cello, it’s because the Helsinki Philharmonic lost it and is offering a handsome reward (its timpanist).
DINOSAUR BONE
Which dinosaur bone did you find? At the very least, you’ll need an ornithischian pelvis, four dorsal vertebrae, two backward prongs, and half a dozen phalanges, if you want to perform the ritual correctly.
EURYTHMIC
A tricky one, this. There are two possible outcomes. Have you found a Davestewart? If so, remove its sunglasses and ask if it’s lost. Have you found an Annielennox? In this case, take care not to startle it. Offer it your shoes, as it has almost certainly been walking on broken glass. Now you’ve got a companion for life.
FLOOR
It’s not unusual to find a floor these days. They’ve put them all over. Most indoor places will have at least one. If you’re not enjoying the experience, it’s best to step outside.
GUN
Big deal, you found a gun. What do you want, a medal? I’ve got hundreds (of guns and medals). If this is the first time you’ve found a gun, I can talk you through it. Look around. Is anyone watching? If yes, come back in a few minutes. If no, put on a glove and pick up the gun. Are you wearing a glove? No? Oh, forget it. Just go home. Guns are not for you.
HORSE
Step one: Don’t tell anybody. A horse will kill you if you divulge its location. Horses—lumbering beasts with powerful jaws and terrible roars—value their privacy.
Step two: Walk around the horse, at a distance of a few hundred yards. Don’t yell or anything stupid like that. If it starts shooting, you’re as good as dead.
Step three: Once you’re behind it, facing the tail, you can take a photograph. Horses will not tolerate photography from any other angle, and they can’t be convinced.
ION
Are you sure it’s an ion? This is important. You may have found an oin. Ions are fairly harmless. Oins? Not so much. DO NOT INHALE AN OIN.
JAM FACTORY
Jackpot! A jam factory is one of the best things you can find. Check your satchel: Did you pack a spoon? If so, tuck in. Eat the roof first; otherwise the whole thing could collapse.
KNEE
That’s someone’s knee. Is it yours? No? Good. Check your surroundings. Is the rest of a person nearby? No? Great. Free knee.
LAMP
There are two types of lamp. One is the bulby type and the other is the rubby type. If you’ve found the first kind, there’s nothing to worry about. Dismantle it for parts. If you’ve found the second kind, rinse it with hot water. This ought to flush out whatever’s been lurking inside.
MONEY
Hand it in to the police. Most “found money” is criminal money. This means that it’s either on the run or en route to a crime. Don’t bring it home, and don’t trust it.
NEEDLE
Needles are like tiny swords: very useful for fending off a lizard, especially one that’s armed with a needle. It’s worth noting that a fallen lizard can often be found near a needle. These are noble warriors and deserve to be buried with their swords. Place them in half a coconut shell and float them downstream.
OSTRICH NEST
There’s only one way that you’re getting out of this situation, and that’s if the ostriches mistake you for an egg. Get naked, curl up in a ball, and don’t move. You’ll be sat on for up to twelve hours (males and females alternate); during the changeover, you could try rolling away.
PISTACHIO NUT
Is it breathing? It may have a self-allergy. Call 911 and request a nut ambulance. If it’s dead, eat it! But only if you yourself don’t have a nut allergy. If you have eaten it and you have a nut allergy, call 911 immediately and ask for a person ambulance. If it’s dead and you have a nut allergy and you haven’t eaten it, don’t. Don’t even pet it.
QUACK
There have been many reports of people finding quacks in the wild recently. Nobody is sure why this is happening, but it’s not in anybody’s interest to let them roam free. They’re extremely loud and, without a host (most commonly a duck), will conduct themselves erratically. Find the nearest bell jar, creep up on the quack, and trap it.
ROBE
The Wizard Rapture has come and gone. Take what you want.
SALT
Once you’ve found one salt, you’re likely to find more (cf. the ant). Keep looking. When you’ve found all the salts in the area, put them in your pouch.
TOUPÉE
After you’ve thrown rocks at it and made sure it’s not a U.F.O., you can be on your way.
UVULA
If you have found a uvula, you’re in someone’s mouth. How on Earth you got there is none of my concern. Just get out before something bad happens!
VIDEO-GAME CONTESTANT
A video-game contestant will most likely be pumped up for a video-game contest. Video-game contestants get pumped up on sodas and snacks and T-shirts and staring. If you’ve found a video-game contestant out of doors, you can reasonably assume that it’s confused and disoriented. Let it wield its joystick; it’s not connected to anything, and you’re perfectly safe.
WOLF
It’s rarely good to find a wolf.
XYLOPHONE MALLET
Run for cover. A xylophone mallet has clearly just fallen from the sky, and the xylophone is always next to land, followed by a xylophonist and a helicopter.
YAM
Wonderful! Yams are among the best things you can find. You can sit on a yam when you’re tired. You can beat a man over the head with a yam, but you shouldn’t be doing things like that.
ZIP
Best not to open it. Sure, you’ll have heard a lot about zips and the things that might be behind them, but it’s just not worth the risk. A good three-quarters of things concealed by zips are just awful. Awful.
