I am thankful I did not commit suicide

“Asunta has got this big red S on her chest.” That’s what many people think. But I’m anything but Superwoman. Not many people know that I once contemplated suicide.

When I was told I had “AIDS”, all I did every evening was go in front of the mirror and scrutinise every part of me. I wanted to see if I could spot any signs of AIDS. I saw none, but the turmoil inside me was so overwhelming, I thought people saw what I was thinking and planning.

My immediate reasonable thinking which, in hindsight, I now know was unreasonable, was that I could not afford to wait for my body to become wasted. “I won’t wait for death. I’ll go under my own terms.”

However, I found that I lacked courage to commit suicide. I had gone over the plan in my mind trillions of times.

It seemed like a simple strategy. Stand on a stool. Tie a rope on the rafter. Tie the noose round my neck. Kick off the damn stool.

Thank God for my lack of courage to take my life, because I later learnt that just like the rope was in my hands, so was my destiny.

That one moment of indecision, or cowardice – whatever you may call it – changed my life’s course.  Here are some things I would have missed had I committed suicide …

Winds of change

Had I killed myself, I would have missed witnessing the tremendous changes that have taken place in the health and human rights sectors in the last two decades. Many of these changes have positively impacted the lives of those infected and affected by HIV.

Besides, I would have missed out on these life-prolonging drugs. Sure, antiretroviral therapy comes with a price, but I’ll take the lipodystrophy, and stresses, and all the other crazy side effects, if that’s the price I have to pay to live.

Joys of motherhood

Because of my kids, and the joy they bring in my life, I can endure anything that HIV hurls my way. Friends and accolades come and go, but nothing can take away my kids. They are mine, whether we are living on skid row or in the suburbs.

Motherhood is one privilege I thought I’d never enjoy after I tested HIV-positive. If I had taken my life, I would have missed out on these priceless joys.

Challenges of life

Even now, while I’m on a sabbatical, I have to deal with challenges. Although God’s word says that He tailor’s each person’s trials to their strength, sometimes I feel like God has cut my coat a tad too big. 

What’s funny is that unlike what many people would expect, my most nerve-wracking challenges are not even HIV-related. They are personal battles. Still, by and large, challenges are what have made me who I am.

Triumphs

I have been feted around the world because of my work with, and for people living with HIV. This was not in my plans. My plan was to live one day at a time. And then blessings started chasing me.

Putting that noose around my neck would have meant not living to savour the triumphs God ordained for me. If only we knew the good things waiting for us, we would not rush to make drastic decisions.

Making history

Had I committed suicide, nobody would know my name or my contribution to history. You don’t have to do great things to make history. It can be as simple as raising your kids.

Walk around informal settlements and you’ll see real Superwomen.

One might look at me and say that that’s what’s called making history. But living with HIV even for a day is making history. Why, this virus’s sole agenda is to put you six feet under.

Why am I writing about this? Because a young woman wrote to me and said she’s contemplating suicide because she recently tested HIV-positive. Sister, being HIV-positive is not a life and death situation: it’s a life and dare situation.