This was published 9 years ago
Funny thing about sport, we'll be looking for more laughs in 2015
By Tegan Higginbotham
Well there you have it, another Christmas is done and I'm afraid I failed miserably at it. First of all, instead of enjoying Carols by Candlelight I got distracted trying to figure out how Marina Prior looked younger than all the members of The Voice Kids – let alone the new batch of AFL draftees.
Then to prove that I wasn't a failure of a chef, I ate the Christmas pavlova that I had made and then dropped all over the floor. If James Hird has taught me anything this year, it's that people do crazy things when they're making a point.
Fortunately we only have one hurdle left to cross before this harrowing silly season is over, and that is the obligatory period of new year reflection. Was 2014 a pivotal year for sports? Or have Ray Rice, Suarez and Todd Carney ensured that just like my attempt at festive joy, 2014 was a complete sodding mess?
The year began with an epic Ashes high, prompting primary schools and secondary colleges nation-wide to flip their standard issue world maps upside down because it was clear that after the efforts of Michael Clarke and his merry men in white, Australia's rightful position was on top.
But this all came crashing down when not long after we had the tennis, where most of the sane attendees were attempting to go to ground and climb under anything resembling shade.
As we are about to discover again, Rod Laver Arena in January is pretty much a colosseum where players and fans are required to fight to the death against searing heat.
Maximus Decimus Meridius called; he thinks things got excessive. In fact, you might remember when Canada's Frank Dancevic fainted from the heat after hallucinating that he saw Snoopy the dog on the court with him. That's right, he was literally tripping balls on two levels.
Unfortunately the Aussie's didn't do so well, although there was one bright spot with Victoria Azarenka dumping that Redfoo bloke the media seems obsessed with. At least we won't have his oversized hair taking up any sport time in 2015. How come it's only boat arrivees who seem to get deported?
Soon afterwards, Melbourne hosted the grand prix where Daniel Ricciardo was disqualified after finishing second. The only other time I remember seeing something similar was during Strictly Ballroom's Pan Pacific's - where Scott Hastings competed with his partner, Fran.
Given what I'd learnt from witnessing all this, I caught up with Daniel and insisted he dance his own steps. He spent the next 15 minutes explaining the concept of driving and how it was, essentially, a non-dance sport.
"That's my point" I said, and proceeded to teach him the Paso Doble. To be honest, I still don't think he got it. But if he wins some more races next year and dips the second placed bloke on the podium I'm totally taking credit!
Then, there was the AFL season. First of all I'm proud to announce that my "kiss of death" still lives on in relation to favourite players.
If you've missed the sorry story thus far, as a Carlton fan my first favourite player was Fev. He is now gone. Next I opted for Eddie Betts who is also, coincidentally, gone.
So this year I figured I'd diversify by choosing both the good guy and bad boy of the team, Brock McLean and Mitch Robinson respectively. And what a surprise! Gone-freakity-gone! They are both now as relevant to Carlton as cutting the carbon tax is to any woman anywhere ever.
That said, when looking at the year overall I can't help but feel it was all a little "meh". Now I might be a bit negatively biased given that I barrack for the team who finished 13th on the ladder (which in terms of omens is pretty much the ground BELOW the ladder), or maybe it's that we Carlton supporters just don't feel right unless we're starting the year against Richmond, as opposed to losing against everyone else.
But Hawthorn won in a fine-but-not-great final again, Adam Goodes was racially vilified again, and Mick Malthouse continued to make blood sacrifices every night to the dark Magpie god of Collingwood. Again.
The only truly entertaining thing this year was Buddy Franklin, and I'm not talking about his playing. Recently, Buddy was involved in his first ever fashion shoot which I have dubbed "Looking scared while standing next to Harry Kewell". It's my favourite thing in the world.
But here's the even scarier bit … I bet you forgot there was a Commonwealth Games this year, didn't you? "No, no, I remembered!" you scramble, "It was really good".
Ah ah! So you don't remember this year's Commonwealth Games! Well they did happen, Australia did well, and just like that time when Gabbi Grecko took a naked walk down Exhibition Street, we were moderately entertained.
But these days you have to do more than whip your royal assets out - or have a royal baby perhaps - in order to be truly memorable.
You'll never have a perfect year in sport, just like you can never have a perfect Christmas (did you hear that, Donna Hay?) but unfortunately by year's end the controversies, injuries and tragedies of 2014 have left more of a mark on our collective memories than moments of on-field glory. Of late, laughing about sport became a little bit harder.
Perhaps the noted philosopher Dane Swan summed it up best when he said, "It was horrendous". Now it's true that the great man was referring to his performance over the past season as opposed to my Christmas cooking, or the year as a whole, but - like a sleeve tattoo - it fits.
The good thing is that unlike Marina Prior's glorious face, no two years in sport are ever the same. So rest up everyone, I have a feeling that in 2015 we're going to spectate the bejesus out of some wonderful sporting moments.