Don't tell my husband there's no turkey this year

How about joining me? Jolly good. A few tips for cooking for vegetarians, then: just leave the meat and fish out of your festive recipes. Cream, butter, yoghurt - these are all fine. Yes, really! No one's forcing you to touch tofu, either.

And vegans? Try to remember they are human and share this planet with us, whether you like it or not. Don't ask whether they can eat chips. Or if they miss ham. Other than any obvious animal flesh, be mindful of dairy and eggs on their plate, or honey because bees make it.

If you're having problems, visualise serving supper to Russell Brand or Portia de Rossi. Both are very saucy vegans.

I'm choosing veggie dishes for Christmas simply because they're far more interesting and flavourful. And also because I'm trying to keep my liver on speaking terms with me. (Oh alright - I'm plotting to Instagram each course to Russell Brand, in anticipation of unchartered adoration and praise. Ego? I'll cut down on that in the new year).

Here are a few of my favourite plant-based recipes, guaranteed to unite carnivores and herbivores. My favourite on the list is the star anise poached pears. These look so impossibly gorgeous perked up on their plate, dribbling with boozy sweetness. Do them one day in advance, so that you can sit back and enjoy everybody else's chaos.

Leftover crumble will make an ace breakfast; it's especially designed for beautiful bowels. I wanted to call it Colonel Colon, but my editor insisted this was inappropriate. And, if you're leery about sprouts, it's because you haven't tasted them glazed with pomegranate. Hopefully, that's about to change.

Parsnip chips

and beetroot ketchup

Serves 6.

Blinged-up ketchup, with added vitamin C and antioxidants, should help kick-start your liver after the Yuletide debauchery.

You will need:

Roughly 500g (20oz) parsnips

3 tablespoons coconut oil, melted

1 lemon

Sea salt flakes

2 tablespoons maple syrup

4 medium-sized vacuum-packed beetroots

2 teaspoons maple syrup

1 clove of garlic, crushed

2 teaspoons cider vinegar

Preheat your oven to 190°C, 375°F, Gas 5. Peel each parsnip, and cut them lengthways into elegant, long chips. Place the parsnip lengths on a roasting tray and toss with the melted coconut oil, the lemon juice, some sea salt flakes, and the two tablespoons of maple syrup. Pop the tray into the oven for 30 minutes or until the parsnip chips are soft in the centre and crunchy on the outside. If the tray is overcrowded, the chips will turn soggy, so if you need to, spread them over two trays, instead of risking another spectacular tantrum ('tis the season).

To make the ketchup, drain the vacuum-packed beetroots and chop them into bite-sized chunks. Blast with the two teaspoons of maple syrup, the crushed garlic and the cider vinegar, in a powerful blender. You're looking for a smooth puree. Scrape the beetroot ketchup into a little pot and serve beside the hot parsnip chips and a side plate of smugness.

Pumpkin Pie with Cinnamon-Roasted Pecan Crumb

Serves 6-8

The original American sweetheart.

You will need:

625g (25oz) pumpkin or sweet potato, or a mixture of both

3 tablespoons coconut oil

4-inch piece of fresh ginger, peeled

2 tablespoons maple syrup

1 teaspoon sea salt flakes, plus extra for the spiced pecans

75g (3oz) pecan nuts, chopped

1-2 teaspoons cinnamon

Freshly grated nutmeg, a touch

Peel and chop the pumpkin or the sweet potato, whichever you're using, or both if you're using a mixture of both. Tumble the chopped pumpkin or the sweet potato, whichever you're using (or both, if you're using both) on to a large roasting tray with the coconut oil and cover with tinfoil. Bake in a preheated oven for 30-40 minutes at 180°C, 350°F, Gas 4. The tray will need a few shakes while cooking. Take a peek to see if they are soft and collapsing after 30 minutes. If not, leave for a further 15 minutes.

Remove from oven. Grate the fresh ginger over the pumpkin and/or the sweet potato while they are hot. Mash well with the maple syrup and the teaspoon of sea salt flakes. This spiced pumpkin puree can happily sit in your fridge for two days, making Christmas Day less manic. Thirty minutes before serving your Christmas lunch, combine the chopped pecan nuts with the cinnamon, and the freshly grated nutmeg - add more of both if you'd prefer it spicier - and some sea salt flakes. Scrape the prepared pumpkin puree into a pie dish and top with the spiced pecans. Bake for 25 minutes at 170°C, 325°F, Gas 3, before the pecans begin to burn. Job done!

Pomegranate-Glazed Sprouts with Chestnut and Lemon

Serves 6-8

You will need:

1kg Brussels sprouts

250g (10oz) pre-cooked vacuum-packed chestnuts

1 pomegranate, seeds only

4 tablespoons strongly flavoured olive oil

Rind and juice of 1 small lemon

3 cloves garlic

2 teaspoons pomegranate molasses (optional)

Slice the bum off your sprouts, so that the outer damaged leaves conk off. Steam them for 3-4 minutes, longer if they're brutes. Roughly chop the pre-cooked chestnuts. Grab a swanky serving bowl and let them rest inside. As soon as the sprouts are cooked to your liking, tumble them into the bowl of chopped chestnuts, and add the pomegranate seeds. Dress with the best olive oil in your kitchen. Using a zester, scrape the lemon rind over the bowl, followed by the garlic. Cut the lemon in half, and squeeze the juice all over the sprouts. A splash of pomegranate molasses works wonderfully well if you're using it, but it's not essential. Chop any massive sprouts in half, to soak up the dressing. Give it all a good jig.

Star Anise poached pears

Serves 4-8.

Devastatingly good with thick Greek yoghurt, soya cream, or mortifying Christmas photos.

You will need:

450ml dry red wine

3 tablespoons maple syrup

Juice of 1 orange

1 cinnamon stick

2 cloves

2 star anise

4 firm, ripe pears

Bring the dry red wine, the maple syrup and the orange juice to a rolling boil. Add the cinnamon stick, the cloves and the star anise, letting it simmer for five minutes while you peel the pears. I like to leave the stem intact and slice the bum off the pears to create a flat base. Gently place the peeled pears in the poaching liquid, cover the saucepan and simmer for 25 minutes. Turn the pears every so often to ensure an even colour.

Remove the saucepan from its flame, uncover and let it cool, with the pears still upright. Once the pears have cooled, cover the saucepan and chill in the fridge until dessert time. You can reduce the poaching liquid over a high flame for a further 25 minutes, until the liquid is sticky, if you fancy. Serve the pears on individual plates, with generous drizzles of the syrup on top.

Plum and Liquorice Crumble with date syrup

Serves 12.

For the filling, you will need:

8 plums

2 eating apples

Juice of 1 orange

4 tea bags of liquorice tea

For the topping, you will need:

100g (4oz) jumbo oats

50g (2oz) quinoa flakes (or more oats)

50g (2oz) regular flour or chestnut flour

8 tablespoons mixed seeds

5 tablespoons extra-virgin coconut oil

Good pinch of sea salt flakes

5 tablespoons maple syrup

Date syrup, to serve (optional)

Ice cream, to serve (optional)

Rinse, stone and chop the plums and apples into bite-sized pieces. Keep the skins on. Tumble into a saucepan with the orange juice. Tear open the liquorice tea bags and sprinkle the contents on top of the fruit mixture - don't worry if you hate liquorice, I do too. The tea bags are very subtle, sweet and comforting. Add 3cm (approx 1¼in) of water to the saucepan and cover it with a tight-fitting lid. Cook for eight minutes. Pour the mixture into a 12in x 8in (30cm x 20cm) pie dish.

To make the topping, briefly pulse the jumbo oats, the quinoa flakes, if you're using them, the regular flour or the chestnut flour, whichever you're using, the mixed seeds, the extra-virgin coconut oil, the pinch of sea salt flakes, and the maple syrup.

Using your fingertips, spread this doughy crumble on to the fruit in the pie dish and pat it smooth. Bake in a preheated oven of 170°C, 325°F, Gas 3 for 20-30 minutes. Don't let it turn brown - dark oats are surprisingly bitter. Remove from the oven and let it cool for 20 minutes. Drizzle with the date syrup, if you're using it. If you want to parachute some ice cream on the top, I'm not going to stop you.

Susan Jane's hair by Rachel Mooney, Brown Sugar, see brownsugar.ie