The Definitive Hotness Ranking Of All The Greasers From "The Outsiders"

How Hot: Hot like you know Tom Cruise is under there somewhere, but he does not have you at hello, and also something weird is going on with his teeth, and you never realized how much you didn’t want to see Tom Cruise with a bunch of chocolate cake falling out of his mouth.

Dream Date: He’d take you to the gas station and maybe snag you a free Coke. Which isn’t bad. Because a free Coke.

How Hot: Hot like working backstage at your high school’s production of The King and I and wandering around before you see this kid with really tuff hair working on the set design and you’ve never been so attracted to ancient, Siamese architecture before, and then you find out that this guy also has a book of poems about the time he ran away to protect his alibi in a killing.

Dream Date: You find your way to an art museum, and he doesn’t make you eat in the museum cafeteria.

How Hot: Hot like being in a bar and grill or a nursing home and the TVs are strangely set to Saturday Night Live and not sports, and you’re laughing, and this other guy in a cool coat is laughing, so you start laughing together and you figure why not? Anybody who likes Weekend Update this much is at least a consideration.

Dream Date: He takes you to see a funny movie, but it probably has Adam Sandler in it.

How Hot: Hot like you just walked into your first grade classroom and everybody’s being really annoying, but then there’s this one quiet kid with big, sad eyes, and he’s really handsome, but nobody’s talking to him, so you figure you might as well share your Hostess snacks with him at lunch because he’s so cute and you kiss him behind the bleachers during your first fire drill because you were nervous.

Dream Date: He takes you to the drive-in and lets you do all the talking.

How Hot: Hot like you suddenly became obsessed with long eyelashes and flannel shirts and didn’t understand why your mom insisted on being in the room with you during the scene where everybody gets ready for the day and Sodapop gets out of the shower but oh wait you get it now and also the reason why you binge-watched The West Wing.

Dream Date: Literally anything you can imagine, he would make happen.

Hot Like: Hot like a hotter version of Step Up, where you’re a classy ballet dancer whose new partner is a football player who also happens to have a great grande jette to his name and then before the big recital he gets hurt in a rumble by his old, high school buddy, and then he does the routine with a broken wrist, anyway, and you kiss as the curtain falls in front of your faces.

Dream Date: Doing the Dirty Dancing move in his living room before Crazy, Stupid, Love made it cool again.

How Hot: Hot like you were the nerdy one who got really mad when Harry Potter’s eyes weren’t green, but suddenly you weren’t upset when Dally’s hair wasn’t blonde because he looked so much better this way, and you bought the DVD after your English teacher showed it in class just so you could play the "Do It for Johnny" scene over and over again and you’re so glad they wrote it for the movie because when you were thirteen that was pretty much a sex scene.

Dream Date: Joyriding and listening to his majestic voice.