Five movies you should think before watching

There are movies and then, there are masterpieces.

And there are some masterpieces, you should really give a miss. Believe us.

And thank us later!

No no, ‘Happy New Year’ doesn’t feature in our list. You maybe an SRK fan/fanatic, and you’ll love the movie nevertheless. You’ll love it for Deepika Padukone, the dances, the music and my personal favourite ‘Manwa Laage’. ‘Happy New Year’, as our reviewer Shubhra Gupta said, is a lonnnnnnggggggggggg show reel of what SRK, the superstar can do. So, watch Happy New Year only if you are a die-hard SRK fan, be proud of the phenomenon SRK is and yes, drool over the 10 pack abs.

(HO)Hum-Shakals: And while you watch Happy New Year, do yourself a favour. If you have ever thought of giving ‘Humshakals’ a watch, abort mission. I repeat, ABORT MISSION. Please.

Movies like these should come with a disclaimer – Watch it at your own risk. Trust me. Even if Sajid Khan trades all of his ‘hard earned money’, don’t agree to watch this classic. We get three sets of doppelgangers in the movie – three Saif Ali Khans, three Riteish Deshmukhs, and three Ram Kapoors – and we also get a fatal headache in the process, and some bouts of vomit, and some creepy feeling, and some suicidal tendencies. No joke is offensive and no humour is humourless.

Everything is Sajid-ified and keeping to the standards, you know what I mean. No offense! And don’t you dare to make anything related to this cult classic, your caller tune. Beware!

Him(MAT)waala: Nooooooooo! ‘Humshakals’ isn’t the only blessing that Sajid Khan descended upon the human race with. There are
many….many more.

And no, this IS NOT our cause of worry. What I am more worried about is why on earth, would a nuanced actor like Ajay Devgn, agree to do a movie like this? I mean why? And while you watch the first few scenes of the movie, you feel the pangs of a water deprived soul amidst a desert, yelling for respite. And you feel bad for an actor who you saw in ‘Gangaajal’, ‘Pyaar Toh Hona Hi Thha’ and the likes, and you cry. You cry for the talent, for the sheer talent. No God! This is not what you meant by ‘ghor kalyug’. Save us the drama!

While what “taaki, oh taaki, oh taaki taaki taaki re” is for the eastman colour Jeetendra-Sridevi starrer ‘Himmatwaala’, “Tacky, Oh Tacky, Oh tacky tacky tacky re!” (Bwahahaha!) is for Sajid Khan’s remake by the same name. The costumes tacky, the casting tackier, and the acting tackiest! Phew!

There’s a landlord playing Mahesh Manjrekar and a buxom beauty playing Tamannaaaaaaahhhhhh Bhatia. No, I didn’t write it wrong. You have to read it right. All the best with that!

Tees Maar (Daalo please) Khan: The family that works together, sticks together. (Pun Intended!)

If there’s some person, who can make Sajid Khan look like a saint, it’s the sister – Farah Khan.

I still wonder why SRK was so upset with his old friend Farah Khan for not making her magnum opus with him? He should be actually happy that she like a true friend of his didn’t bring a movie like this to his Bad-shah name. Put together a world-infamous con artist, a Bollywood starlet, an Oscar aspirant, a bunch of naive villagers, and befuddled policemen, and weave an absurd story connecting all of them and voila! You have a catastrophe called ‘Tees Maar Khan’.

So you have an extraaaaa smart Akshay Kumar, an eye candy Katrina Kaif, who puts her vocal chords to the best use and yells at every chance she gets and Akshaye Khanna, adding to his never ending list of duds! (Why dude why?!) Need we say more? No! Let’s move on!

Joker (Am I?): Didn’t I just mention ‘family’? OMG! I just did!

There’s an interesting premise at the heart of ‘Joker’, but Shirish Kunder fails wonderfully in executing it. (Didn’t I just mention family?)

Akshay Kumar’s character in the movie hatches a plan invloving aliens in a bid to get the world take notice of his hometown – Paglapur. And an American scientist shows up to expose the hoax. But where’s the spice? Or the slice of art? Opportunity wasted, Sonakshi wasted…..and Akshay wasted? Haha! No offense!

Bullett Raja (Hit me with the bullet please): Bahot ho gaya about the family! Let’s talk about someone not from the family. Let’s talk about Tigmanshu Dhulia, though he makes us doubt about his genetic brilliance, which only seems to have got its dues from the Khans and Kunders.

Saif Ali Khan was recently quoted saying he wants to go back to doing movies like ‘Omkara’ and ‘Parineeta’. Oh Boy! We empathise you see. You’re a National Award winner and we can’t see you in movies like these. I mean, ‘Humshakals’ and ‘Bullett Raja’?

Also, I have a thing against Sonakshi Sinha. Girl, we know you can act. We have seen you in ‘Lootera’. Please do movies like it.

‘Bullett Raja’ is rife with predictable scenes, bad editing and a lack of control over the script, which spirals into an unending loop of absurdity. It’s difficult to judge if even hardcore Saif Ali Khan fans should go for this one. Trust me, don’t.

And while I still wonder about the sad state of movies with logic tending to null and entertainment to an unfulfilled void, I rest my case and give in to the ‘chutzpah’.

In case, you should feel this piece is ‘chutzpah’ enough, I apologize to the kind sentiments of movie making. May the movies rest in peace and @SoNull_NVoid have her peace back ;)