Bollywood movies have become a slideshow of chiselled abs, cleavages, guns, stunts and item songs masquerading as stories. These movies make tons of money and are lauded by one and all. So imagine my consternation, when people start asking for bans for an intelligent and realistic portrayal of the Kashmir conflict simply because it showed some people in a bad light. If there were calls for Haider to be banned, then these 10 movies should never have been made in the first place!
Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag
Sholay is often touted as the greatest Bollywood movie ever made. Its remake Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag, on the other hand, is in a class of its own! Like milk on a warm day, RGV’s movies have soured with time, so that by the time this remake came along, RGV had mastered the art of telling the same story again and again with a poorer cast. Aag was the final nail in the director’s coffin and vindicates the received wisdom that remakes of a classic are a no-no!
Jaani Dushman – Ek Anokhi Kahani
There are bad movies, worse movies, crap movies, Twilight, garbage on the street, a video of Kim Jong-un riding a horse, and then there’s Jaani Dushman. This movie had a multi-star cast who vied for screen space with appalling special effects, a bad story and mishmashes of every famous Hollywood action scene from the 90s. The lowest point in the movie perhaps comes even before the special effects set in where a bunch of Manisha Koirala’s friends are convincing her to forgive her would-be rapists, because you know, boys will be boys!
Anything Sajid Khan has ever made
Darna Zaroori Ha, Heyy Babyy, two Housefull movies, Himmatwala and Humshakals – Sajid Khan has the honour of being a director who perennially puts out progressively worse movies year after year. Humshakals got reviews so bad that even the lead actors refused to acknowledge their presence in the movie with Saif Ali Khan saying: ‘The film didn't have a script as such, it was all there in Sajid's mind. I did whatever he asked me to.’ As the Chota Nawab discovered, that’s not such a good idea.
Joker
Industry insiders suggest that Shirish Kunder was attacked by SRK for criticising Ra One and we must say it takes some gall to criticise anything after giving us the unbelievable Joker. The movie actually resembled a play put together by Class 4 students under duress, and even an eternally optimistic film critic couldn’t say anything good about the movie!
Kick
The success of Dabangg led to the re-birth of the 90s action movies where the hero is capable of beating up a hundred goons while wiggling out of his shirt and romancing Sonakshi Sinha (or another starlet young enough to call him Uncle). By the time Kick came around; screenplay writers had become an endangered species, so they had to call in Chetan Bhagat to write the script. So what do you get when you combine Chetan Bhagat, Sajid Nadiawala and Bhai? A South Indian remake that hurt every sane individual’s rational sentiments which should be far more important than religious ones!
Kya Supercool Hai Hum
For a nation which simply refuses to believe sex exists, sex comedies seem to do rather well at the box office. Perhaps that’s because we have the national average IQ of a pre-adolescent 10-year-old who laughs at anything remotely sexist, anti-gay, phallic or boob-shaped. And if that wasn’t enough, Tushar Kapoor shows us his ass crack which has to be the lowest moment in human history.
Zanjeer (2013)
Amitabh Bachchan’s Zanjeer in 1976 was a trailblazer of sorts, changing Hindi cinema forever as romantic heroes made way for the Angry Young Man. Amitabh became the symbol of discontent for a generation who were angry about corruption, poverty and injustice. Its remake on the other hand starring Ram Charan and Priyanka Chopra was something else. The film deserves a special mention for Charan who vied for a position in the record books for hold-the-same-constipated-expression-for-three-hours award with Himesh Reshammiya.
Krrish 3
My childhood was magical because I had superheroes like Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Wolverine and Iron Man who made us believe tyranny could be fought; this generation on the other hand sadly has Krrish. For reasons best known to him, Hrithik Roshan decided to don garbage bags and jump from buildings to destroy the magic of super powers forever. A villain who looks like he fell in a vat of Fair and Lovely as a kid, henchmen generously borrowed from the Marvel Universe and a desi Mystique who loves to dance just combine to ruin the allure of superheroes for this generation of kids.
Main Prem Ki Diwaani Hoon
Hrithik Roshan’s stock was rather high after his blockbuster debut film Kaho Na Pyaar Hai and it has fallen ever since culminating with Bang Bang where he plays a set of chiselled abs who likes to show more skin than his heroine. The nadir however was one movie called Main Prem Ki Diwaani Hoon where he romances Kareena, saves her flying dad from a car accident, takes off his shirt without any reason and acts like he’s on adrenaline-spiked cocaine throughout the movie.
Dhoom 3
Aamir Khan was known as a thinking man’s actor who gave us insightful movies that questioned our being. That was before he decided to do a double role in this kitsch of Christopher Nolan movies. Motorcycles turned into jet skis, plot holes the size of craters turned up and Katrina Kaif showed off her thighs for no good reason. The film also had the two most disappointing filmy scions of this generation – Abhishek Bachchan and Uday Chopra – who quite predictably failed to catch the thief. The only good thing about the entire affair was Uday Chopra promised never to act in movies again!
So all the boycotters out there, please spare Haider, there are movies far worse that deserve your ire.
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