My Richard has accepted my spindly legs

Finding love is one thing. Finding love after testing HIV-positive is another ball game altogether.

Nothing can attest to this fact than the letters I receive from sisters living with HIV who are looking for love.

Some ask me why I settled for someone who was HIV-positive. Let us dispense with one misconception: being HIV-positive was not what attracted me to Richard, though being birds of a feather had its advantages.

Over the years, our mutual HIV status has made it easier for us to handle the distinct challenges of our relationship. I do not know if we would have lasted this long had we been sero-discordant, where one partner is HIV-positive and the other negative.  

Still, our relationship has been one long learning curve.

For starters, we had to shut our ears to the noises some were making about our age difference.

And then we have very different personalities. Add this to the stereotype, which I have to live with, that sisters from Nyeri, where I come from, are headstrong, and you have one interesting a relationship.

Communication breakdown

We are not perfect, and  communication is something that Richard and I need to work on. We are better at chatting on Facebook or through text messages than talking to each other. More often, we talk at each other. 

When chatting online, at least there is a time allowance to finish what one is saying as opposed to when we are communicating face-to-face. Chatting online has become our unofficial modus operandi. I prefer it to discussing some issues, such as Richard’s tendency to dismiss me before I finish speaking.

If he does not cut me short, he completes my sentences for me. I am not without fault, though. I also interrupt him sometimes if I feel that he is taking too long to complete a statement or skirting around too much. 

Being submissive isn’t being weak

I do not know if it is the Nyerian in me or the meds, or if it is just my nature, but there are times when I badly clash with people.

This has cost me a couple of precious relationships. This is the alter ego that Richard has to live with. However, when this abrasive part of me rears its ugly head, I remember that this is the father of our sons and the head of the house, so I chew the submissive pill. I have learnt that contrary to what I thought, being submissive does not mean I am a weakling. Besides, age and my five children are mellowing me. 

Listening skills

Richard is a storyteller. I have to live with this. When he goes back to the same tale, I am quick to tell him, “Oh, please, not again. You have told me that story over a dozen times. I can tell it in my sleep.”

I also tend to repeat stories, which Richard accuses me of telling as if for the first time. I do not know.

Maybe these arguments keep our lives interesting. Sometimes we force each other to listen. For instance, I will tell him, “No, you have to listen again because I remembered something I hadn’t included last time.”

Listening skills: that is something we need to work on. Like yesterday.

Price of love

For those in a “HIV-related” relationship, sero-discordant or not, understanding is the operative word. This is especially essential if one or both of you are on antiretroviral treatment, and the meds are making you lose your heads.

You can make it work by taking care of each other. Being both HIV-positive is not a licence to throw all condoms to the wind. Protect each other from re-infection.

If you are in a sero-discordant relationship, there are support groups to help you navigate your way through your issues.

It is human to jump into a relationship, especially when you have been lonely and searching for a long time. However, ask yourself some important questions. For instance, will this man still find me sexually attractive after my meds cause side effects such as fat deposits on my upper back and gives me spindly legs?

I will confess; I am the girl described above. My meds have done that to me. Dished me a quasi humpback and, well, chicken legs. Medically, it is called lipodystrophy.

I am cool with lipo. That is the price I am paying for my longevity. And love. And that is something every woman with self-image issues prays their partner will be cool with.