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Do you get frantic late-night phone calls from your mother about your checking account balance? Does your mom ask you questions about your health insurance plan? Is your mom writing on your Facebook wall, wondering if your recent profile picture indicates you have a drinking problem? Our moms always mean well, but sometimes they just need to chill out, right? Enter The Mom Whisperer: your helpful friend who will help you distract your mom through these troubling times with the best movies and TV shows proven to lull moms into a relaxed stupor. (White wine optional.)
Dear Mom Whisperer,
My mother is FREAKING OUT about Ebola. She hasn’t been this terrified since she bought the entire family white painter’s masks back when SARS was a thing. And with the news that Ebola has hit the US, she’s about to dig a fall-out shelter in her Rhode Island back yard and stock-pile it with Lunchables and Sunny D. How do I calm her down?
—Hot Zoned
Dear Hot Zoned,
Man, the ’90s are really back, huh? Who knew that Ebola would have a second life 20 years after the first time we all lost our minds about it? I’m betting you’ve calmly explained to her that the virus only spreads when the person infected is actually sick, and the poor patient down in Dallas is quarantined and everything will probably be fine. But I also know how moms are, so… This is a tough one. Sure, you can suggest a very mom-friendly movie to distract her from, say, fear-mongering cable news broadcasts, but maybe it’s time to give her some tough love? Why not tell her to watch two of the great virus mania movies made in the last two decades: Outbreak (which my colleage Meghan O’Keefe watch recently) and Contagion. You might as well just tell her that death is inevitable and there’s literally nothing she can do to stop it, and watching beauties like Rene Russo and Gwyneth Paltrow cough and vomit and expire after being infected by a deadly disease might put things into perspective.
Dear Mom Whisperer,
I need a couch for my apartment and I’m super broke. Someone suggested I try Craigslist. I let that slip in conversation with my mama and she totally lost it, and then she flooded my inbox with articles about Craiglist murderers. What can I do to calm her down, and also do you know anyone selling a couch at a decent price?
—No Bugs Please
Dear Bugs,
Unfortunately, there are not charming and quirky comedies about young women who fall in love after buying furniture from a stranger, but I’m willing to bet that America’s moms changed their minds about online dating after movies like You’ve Got Mail and Must Love Dogs put a positive spin on meeting total strangers over the Internet for witty banter and casual boning. Until Nancy Meyers gets her shit together and makes a movie about Meryl Streep having a breakdown in the middle of a Room and Board before turning to the Internet for a great deal on a gently used day bed (and falling madly in love with a Kevin Kline or a Colin Firth type), we’re going to have to settle for everything working out OK for Meg Ryan and Diane Lane.
Dear Mom Whisperer,
My mom loves period pieces, but she can never understand what anyone is saying in their thick British accents. I told her to watch Sense and Sensibility with the closed captioning on, but she shouted back at me, “I’m not DEAF,” and then complained about how she doesn’t want to read when she’s watching a movie. HELP!
—Help Understand Hugh
Dear HUH,
Sounds like your mom should stick to movies about America, the number-one best country in the whole wide world. (Just kidding. We’ve got some problems here.) Sure, there aren’t many dashing Edward Ferrarses in our history, but there’s plenty of horse-drawn carriages and ruffles and petticoats and swords and stuff. Although I couldn’t get through it myself, my mom loved Lincoln. (For me, it was just a really well-made miniseries starring more famous people than you’d get in, say, North and South.) And, really, is there any mom problem that a movie starring Sally Field can’t fix? Nope. Sally Field is the solution to all of our problems.
Have a question for The Mom Whisperer? Send a query to themomwhisperer@decider.com and he’ll help you out!
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Photos: Everett Collection
