Sting like a bee: A blogger’s guide to being a virtual jerk

Channelling sanctimonious outrage online can be pretty hard in the confusing world of social media. FILE PHOTO |

What you need to know:

  • Even before Tony Mochama and Shailja Patel, the central characters, had spoken for themselves, everyone else already had.
  • Every raging feminist crawled out of online nooks and crannies to rail against institutionalised misogyny.
  • Men, lots of them, openly supported the man, also known as Smitta, in the calamity that had smitten him.

It was a made-for-social-media scandal. Moderately famous irreverent writer allegedly sexually assaults outspoken author and activist.

Even before Tony Mochama and Shailja Patel, the central characters, had spoken for themselves, everyone else already had.

Every raging feminist crawled out of online nooks and crannies to rail against institutionalised misogyny.

Men, lots of them, openly supported the man, also known as Smitta, in the calamity that had smitten him.

People who barely knew either of the individuals in the case weighed in on the case with religious dedication.

OUTRAGE ONLINE

The temptation to comment on the hottest story on the Kenyan Internet “streets” was too strong and many gave in to it.

Channelling sanctimonious outrage online can be pretty hard in the confusing world of social media.

One of the Internet’s greatest attributes is also one of its greatest shortcomings: democratisation of information.

The Internet is one big listicle (portmanteau of list and article) wasteland and I’m trying to make this a thing on print. Consider this the definitive guide to trial by social media, whatever the cause célèbre is:

1 Ignore all the facts: Never let facts get in the way of a good story, especially when you’re trying to channel your sanctimonious outrage. Don’t bother to read up on the subjects, to Google any information you might be unsure of.

Take whatever turns up on your Facebook feed as the infallible truth and proceed to form your strong opinions based on them.

When facts surface that vary from your version of events, don’t bother to correct any public posts you might have made or even apologise. Apologies are for sissies.

2The early post catches the attention: Comment quickly or you will get drowned out once everyone jumps onto the bandwagon. Learn to spot trends before they occur and ride the wave. Think of the number of shares and retweets a really good post would get if you were on it before people even saw its scandal qualities!

3 Quote the Bible: Or the Quran. Actually, any religious text will do. People love it when you talk religious to them. Chapter and verse and the actual citation are good crutches for your opinion. You come across as genuine and well-intentioned and not in the least malicious.

4 Quote the Constitution: You don’t need a law degree to quote the law. The whole thing is available as a small PDF document and you can easily search using keywords. Nothing says you’re a clever human being capable of Googling than a neat little legal opinion on social media, however far off the mark.

5 Quote the Bible and the Constitution: This is what is known as a “double whammy” in Internetland. Everybody loves it when you can combine a religious reference with a legal one into one post. Don’t worry about rambling, people have all the time in the world to read your thoughts and marvel at your brilliance.

6 Stoke some fires: When all else fails, incite your audience as a call to action. Call for a boycott, ask them to send emails or tweets to the subject’s boss, plead with them to change their profile pictures to something sympathetic to your case, get your loyal troops to amplify your message.

Just like every evil genius needs minions, every fearless leader needs an army of e-vigilantes to help channel their sanctimonious outrage.

7 Establish your credibility: What gives you the moral authority to comment on this? Phrases like “my good friend” or “former colleague and ally” are highly encouraged when trying to sound believable.

Tell an irrelevant old story about that time you went on a trip together, or the high school dining hall days. You can always make it up or embellish generously; it’s not like your audience was there.

8 Comment on the subject’s body of work: Explain why you’ve never found your subject’s work particularly appealing, or why you consider other people better at said activities. This is very much a referendum on their suitability for their occupation as much as a commentary on the topic at hand.

9 Use big words: This is pretty self-explanatory but I will lay it out anyway. You can’t make an intellectual argument without dropping obscure but impressive-sounding words and phrases.

Anything with four syllables and upwards is encouraged. Readers award mental marks for using words they have to look up both their meaning and their pronunciation. Don’t let them down.

The court of public opinion relocated from open squares and conversations at supper to the virtual spaces online. This should help you navigate this brave new world like a pro.

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THE LITTLE KENYAN DIASPORA CALLED ONGATA RONGAI

It is faster to get from Nairobi to Kigali than to move from Ongata Rongai to the city centre.

You would be flying to Kigali of course, but the person driving to Ongata Rongai would not even be halfway into their journey by the time you land, if you left at the same time.

It is a wildly growing neighbourhood with malls, banks, open-air markets and no small amount of repair shops mushrooming along the main road.

Rental prices are cheap for now, though the cost of buying land there is always on the rise. But getting to Ongata Rongai is one of the biggest nightmares known to modern Kenya.

Why the road to and through one of the fastest growing areas of the Nairobi metropolis is this narrow, worn-out path has to be one of the modern world’s everlasting mysteries.

The big shots who live in that area code can simply switch on their sirens and drive on the wrong side of the road.

The long-suffering, tax-paying citizens have to make do with their glorified footpath and resign themselves to spending hours trying to cover a distance of just a few minutes. Isn’t progress beautiful?