By Mitchell Browne
In light of Sydney prostitute Samantha X's public admission that she had also worked in the grubby world of journalism under the name Amanda Goff, now seems a good time for a revelation of my own.
To the casual observer I appear to be just a regular bricklayer. Not so. I have been moonlighting in the softcore porn industry.
"I can't shake the feeling that perhaps the ABC has moved too far from its core business."Credit: Peter Braig
Recent scenes in my portfolio include: an escort rubbing her breasts over a naked man's groin; a young man painfully overdosed on viagra begging strangers on the street for sex; plus your standard guy-on-girl, girl-on-girl scenarios.
Now, before Jacqui Lambie gets too excited, I should point out that I'm not personally visible in any of these scenes. In fact, I've never even been on set. I only paid for the dissemination of these images.
And if you're an Australian taxpayer, you did too.
These scenes and many more in the same vein have all been broadcast on the ABC (mainly ABC 2) recently. With such titles as My Daughter The Teenage Nudist; Confessions of a Sex Addict; Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents; Call girls; Can Have Sex,
Will Have Sex; and Dirty Laundry, there is an obvious dedication to titillation. And a vital public service it is, too.
Just as Samantha X claims to be helping marriages survive by satisfying under-sexed husbands, I can only assume our national broadcaster is doing its own bit to keep the home fires burning.
Think of it as another government stimulus package.
But I can't shake the feeling that perhaps the ABC has moved too far from its core business. Nowhere in its charter could I find any reference to its role as a marital aid. Has the ABC been focusing on the wrong bottom line?
I won't dare question the cornucopia of sex and nudity on SBS, apparently servicing a deep-seated cultural need for easy access to state subsidised porn. Anyone who suggests otherwise is clearly exposing their inner bigot.
The soon-to-be-released Lewis Efficiency Review is expected to recommend cuts and job losses at both the ABC and SBS. Well, we can only hope.
But the current Minister for Communications and Adult Entertainment, Malcolm Turnbull, has stated the efficiency study "will not review the content of what is broadcast, but rather the cost of delivering that content". This is disappointing. We should be reviewing not only what is broadcast, but why we are publicly funding any broadcast at all.
With near universal internet access, it's difficult to justify eight taxpayer-funded television entertainment channels, at an annual cost of more than $1 billion. Confronted with the unwholesome prospect of taxpayers wanting their misspent money back, the ABC's managing director hinted the channel's most popular children's show, Peppa Pig, might face the chopping block.
But the "back off or the pig gets it" argument doesn't sit comfortably among all the other pork the station should drop like it's hot.
Perhaps we could first consider weaning ourselves off such other quality ABC fare as, say, naked close-ups of a male appendage tweeted as that of Sir Ian Botham (the outraged cricketing legend says he was hacked).
At least start with those. Then we can talk about culling the cuddly children's characters.
In the ABC's defence though, before broadcasting the serpentine photo mentioned above, the show's host did say: "if you have an aversion to a 58-year-old penis you should look away now." I guess that's something.
But this approach could be taken a lot further. How about tax returns that allow us to opt out of funding the ABC with the simple: "If you have an aversion to paying for a 58-year-old penis, tick here."
Here is my own efficiency review of the ABC: If you are broadcasting four ABC TV channels, when you barely have enough quality material for one, that is not efficient. If you're using taxpayers' money to distribute soft porn, you are duplicating a service the private sector willingly provides for free.
And if you are doing all this in the honest belief there are no possible cost savings to be found, you should be out on your arse.
Sorry. You'll have to excuse my language. Must have picked it up from my dirty Aunty.
Mitchell Browne is a Sydney bricklayer.