Am I a mummy’s boy?
Dear Auntyji
I am a 26-year-old male with a degree and certifications and am an actuary. Because I have been busy studying for pretty much all my life, I haven’t really focused on a serious relationship. Anyway, I have now found a girl I really like, but she called me a mummy’s boy because I still live at home and my mum does the washing, cooking and ironing for me. I think my gf was upset because when she stayed over, my mum walked into the room while we were inside and the door was closed. Also, my mum does not like me to cook, so I don’t do that. I actually have never cooked. She irons my clothes too – but I don’t see how that makes me a mummy’s boy. Is my gf right? Am I a mummy’s boy and if so, what can I do about this, Auntyji?
Auntyji says
Well, let’s talk in a language you would understand. From birth till about 5, the human child is normally dependent on someone else to provide for it. From then till about 15, you can take care of yourself, but could use guidance. From about 18 onwards, the young adult is fully capable of looking after himself or herself, and in most societies, is expected to do just that. Ok, I understand that it’s been convenient for you to live at home while you were studying and there is nothing wrong with that. But now you are a man and in all honesty, it seems as though you don’t know how to cook or clean or look after yourself. In other words, yes, you are a mummy’s boy by any measure of the standard, but this can be easily rectified.
Now, while you are living at home, chances are your mum does not want you to cook because you will probably mess up the kitchen and do it all wrong… she probably can’t stand an amateur standing at her stove stirring the pot with awkward flicks of the wrist. So, you can ask Mummyji to teach you to cook. That’s a great starting point. This will probably bring you closer together as well. If she totally disagrees and can’t stand the thought of her little laadla, her chikna sweating in the kitchen, then you have to make some tough decisions. You can either move out, or go travelling for a month or so without your mother. On your return from your travels after you have become the mard you need to be, you can insist on cooking. If this fails and your loving mum insists on treating you like a nadaan bachcha, then it’s time to move out in the real world. Your mum probably will hate it; but she will hate it more if you get divorced within a year of marriage because you expect your wife to cook and clean for you. No modern wife wants a husband like that, especially if she has a full-time job outside the home. So, all this is easily rectified, my dear young man. Go out into the world, learn to fend for yourself and by the way, don’t forget to thank your gf for pointing out the truth to you. Harsh words are always little gifts offered to us to learn more about yourself.
The boss expects too much from me
Dear Auntyji
I have moved into a new area of the bank I work in, and while my new manager is friendly, reasonable, very bright and has high standards, I find him overly critical. Now, the truth is, I have very high standards myself and work very hard, but for the first time in my career, I feel as though I am not meeting my manager’s expectations. I have been quite successful and have been given promotions and more projects to work on, but now, I am getting nervous, and instead of focusing on the job at hand, I now find myself worrying about how to meet my manager’s expectations – and if I will do something that displeases him. I am not sure if he is like this with everyone because everyone calls him a very good manager and he is very well liked. Can you offer advice for me please?
Auntyji says
Hmm. If you say you are a high achiever yourself, and that others don’t find him critical or difficult to work for, then perhaps he is holding you to the same standards he holds for himself. Perhaps he sees in you something he saw in himself. If he is not a tyrant or a bully, and is friendly and well-liked by everyone, then I suggest you need to have a chat with him and explain that you don’t want to disappoint him, and when he is critical, instead of you focusing on the task he is discussing, you think that you are not meeting his expectations. Perhaps you can ask him to give you better direction or communicate his expectations of you with more clarity, as clearly, you have previously been good at what you have achieved. If you are lucky to have a manager who is reasonable and has high standards, then you will only gain from this – being a hard worker yourself. So do set up some time with him, and tell him that you want to do well in the role and exceed his expectations. Then tell him that you feel that his being critical makes you focus on what you’re doing wrong, which is counterproductive to what you’re both trying to achieve. You will need to have this conversation soon; otherwise you will get quite stressed about this, and you don’t want that. Let me know how this turns out.