By Benjamin Law
Taxing times
There are so many things I wish I'd learnt in school to better equip myself for adulthood. Instead of physics and trigonometry, why wasn't I taught subjects I'd need in life, such as, "What's So Super About Superannuation?", "Who Is Medicare (And Is He Magic)?" and "How Does Benjamin Make A Manual Car Go?" Capable grown-ups make all these things seem easy, but I found consolidating my super so frustrating that I wanted to tear off my face. When I finally got the paperwork confirming it was done, I collapsed in the shower and sobbed quietly, like a harrowing scene out of a prison movie.
Queer Literary Salon - host Benjamin Law,Credit: Miranda Tay
At this time of year, most Australians are also trudging through the most tedious of adult challenges: lodging their tax return. Sure, most of us know how tax works and why it's necessary. As responsible, working members of society, we yield a portion of our earnings to the government so the nation can invest in things we can all enjoy, like hospitals, parks, roads and offshore malarial hellholes used to detain asylum seekers.
For most of us though, it's still hard to lodge our returns without wanting to self-immolate on a pyre made of our barely legible receipts.
The mechanics of tax are nuanced and complicated by necessity, but there will always be a small part of me that just wishes Joe Hockey and Mathias Cormann would start a PayPal account where we can all pool a percentage of our earnings and choose where we want our money to go. (I'd choose the ABC, SBS and that lovely lady at my local post office.)
Needless to say, I've had to rely on accountants for years. My first one was a stern lady with long, red talons who made me feel like I was getting my tax return done by a glamorous velociraptor. The next one was so dodgy he was the financial equivalent of "Better Call Saul" from Breaking Bad. But my current accountant is a prince who is both efficient and sticks by the rules. The other day, we spent an hour on the phone together. I barely understood a thing he said. In some cultures, this means we are married now.
Benjamin Law