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Mr Pasi

BAR TALK with Bra Gee

There is no disputing of facts; contraceptives are not good for women and that is why we have so many of them succumbing to unplanned pregnancies.

Then they end up congesting the courts and occupying a good number of our magistrates with ruling on maintenance cases, instead of proper criminal cases like rape and theft and corruption of the big fat cats.

But wait a minute, the magistrate cannot try the big bosses if the police do not arrest them since the law says they can eat and drink on our bill until the cows come home.

But let us not flog dead horses while a living one prances right here and now. So now that we have established that contraceptives cause women to have moods and go off the act, we support the call for their immediate banning. On the other hand that is as far as our agreement with the gospel goes. We dissent on the issue of urging for an unmitigated population boom, in so far as we do not believe that the multiplication of problems leads to economic nirvanas.

So instead we would like to propose that all men be sterilised as soon as they have produced two offspring. The said progeny can be official, non-resident or extra-terrestrial; the rule applies across the boundaries. For what the good gentleman does not seem to have figured out is that there are now many human females who do not think that an expanding tummy is the ultimate show of womanhood. They would rather be sucking and swallowing knowledge then give birth to high flying careers instead of being permanently anchored at home by a heap of squalling brats.

Men are for Sekuru
Last week we were wondering why the cooking oil with amazing powers that we are yet to see proved seemed to be only for women with marital problems. We could not figure out why only women would have marital problems when marriage is between men and women, at least in this country that is the legal and socially acceptable position.

But another perusal of the newspapers has given us an answer. Just look at the number of sekurus advertising their expertise in enlarging tiny caterpillars into giant African rock pythons while ensuring financial stability and instantly bringing back lost lovers.

The next question is to ask why men are for Sekuru while women are for “men of God” and the truth is we are not too sure because from where we stand, there is little difference between the two camps as the adherents all have to work on the principle of faith. But maybe men would sooner set more stock on roots, barks and powders from any old tree, purportedly imported from Malawi than man-produced oil that has purportedly been touched by God.

A fist for a fist
We have to confess that we are rather disappointed by The Herald. The report on the fighting politicians was like a person wearing socks, shoes, a tie and a hat then saying they are dressed; it left all the important parts uncovered. Instead of a dry summary of concurrent conflicting reports at different police stations we would have loved a real blow-by-blow account of the incident.

Who called whose mother what leading to the other one delivering the first slap, shove, fist or kick? And how did the assaulted party react? Was there a full blown fight or was it just a mere scuffle? What about some classic moments when a hammer fist connected with a funny bone? Was there a winner? And was there a nicely bloodthirsty audience baying for blood or did you have some uptight goody-two-shoes who rushed to spoil the fun before it even began?

We are sure that with the way things are going there will be more vicious fights this year as has been proved by other altercations elsewhere in the country. So now that we have given the reporters a frame for how to write on a fight, we expect more titillating reading and a few pictures to boot. In this era of smart phones in the hands of every thingamajig, you cannot tell us that no one thought to shoot a video or stills of such a public incident.

We assure you that it is not mere idle curiosity that motivates us. We like to back winners in everything and the best pugilist is definitely the man or woman to get our X, come voting day.

Go get ‘em Gershem
It is rare that we ever agree with the tax man on account of we do not see why we should take good drinking money and donate it to public enterprise bosses to flaunt in our faces as they live large and arrogantly off our sweat.  But this is one of those months of Sundays when we are in the chief tax man’s corner.

Yes, Mr Pasi, let the big mansions be explained through corresponding tax settlements. We are tired of the system where the poor are squeezed dry while the rich get fatter. While you are at it, please do us a favour. If the Salarygate barons cannot be prosecuted for earning staggering salaries, they can be arrested for tax evasion, we are sure. We still have not yet had a chance to stop drinking and read the Constitution, but we pray that there is a law that says so.

If it is not there, then we will agitate for its enactment. Get this ball rolling, Mr Pasi, and we will pay our VAT, PAYE, rural electrification levy, aids levy, increased tollgate fees and traffic police bribes without a single grumble.

We also think that this is one case that has the potential to go beyond mere tax evasion if you should decide to really hammer on the provenance and not just the mere taxation of the huge moneys. Maybe finally we will get to know why the equations in public enterprises never seem to have a black result. Is it just gross mismanagement that has seen almost every single one of them being broke almost beyond redemption?

Please also go after those in the diamond fields. Before the big companies came in stones were coming up and fortunes were made overnight. That money was circulated and even the vendors in Muzarabani, Nyamapanda,  Kariba and Victoria Falls were liquid because of the ngoda cash. As soon as “sanity” was imposed, that was the end of the windfall and now we hear that the stones are gone. Could the huge houses provide some answers?

We are also interested in how the rock star preachers will fare in this investigation.
Have they been declaring their share of the offertory plate takings or have they declared that as God’s money which they will not account for before a mere Government appointed official like you? Go get ‘em all, sir. The regulars are fully behind you.

Till next week, bottoms up!

Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: [email protected]