Why won't they play together in harmony

Do not push the envelope when someone tolerates your meanness. And no, it does not mean that the person is weak. He could be giving you time to rethink and, if possible, change. If you do not, there will be consequences.

This is another lesson I am learning from my twin boys, Baraka and Gabriel. By now, you may have accepted that these boys will be a reference in my life for a l-o-n-g time.

Baraka is the older of the twins. From the onset, he made his presence felt by having the loudest, clearest cry. Gabriel was born a few seconds later. Looking at him, it seemed as if while they were in the womb, he only got to eat once Baraka had had his fill.

Another difference between the two: Baraka was born with two front teeth. That is true, but that is a story for another Wednesday. He definitely overfed on the supplements I was taking in doubles, leaving leftovers or nothing for his brother.

Power play

When the twins were handed to me in the ward, from their cries, I knew that Gabriel was a bit weak. His cries were soft, even though they later improved when he realised that his louder twin brother was bulldozing him out of the way.

As they grew, I was caught in between their bickering. I did not know who to defend or whose side to take. Gab sought my intervention as Baraka went overboard.

For instance, he would not bother to look for something to play with, eagerly waiting to grab whatever Gab picked.

Many times, poor Gab found himself locked in a chokehold as Baraka overpowered him, leaving him with few options. He either screamed his lungs out or looked for someone to witness the injustice. He would then crawl around to look for something new, which he knew Baraka would again come for.

Reversed roles

This went on for a couple of months after they started to crawl. However, believe it or not, roles have now changed. Nowadays, Gab attacks Baraka when he least expects, especially when he (Gab) is holding an item he thinks may interest Baraka. Talk about defence mechanism.

Gab shouts and intimidates Baraka, then charges in his direction and hits him. His message is clear — Baraka should not even dare look in his direction until he is done with the toy. Baraka took this turn of events as an unacceptable joke.

At first, he resisted, but Gab stood his ground as if saying that he had tolerated Baraka long enough, that he was done playing second fiddle.

Baraka now watches cautiously from a corner as Gab plays, ready to take off should Gab head his way.

Dancing battles

It is now clear to Baraka and all of us that Gab did not defend himself before because he was weak. He was just buying time.  Nowadays, Baraka respects even Gab’s dancing space.

Initially, if we cheered a dancing Gab, Baraka would move to where his brother was dancing, floor him, and start dancing while someone picked up Gab and showed him a new dancing space.

If Baraka saw that Gab received more attention, he would go again and “eject” him.

Ceasefire

Here is the lesson I have learnt from these two boys: If I am the stronger one, I should be considerate of others. It is not that the others are weak; they may only be buying time or laying a strategy to strike back. When they decide that enough is enough, things can get ugly. That said, we are teaching the boys to live together in harmony. This includes sharing toys, refraining from chokeholds, no longer stealing anyone’s thunder on the dance floor, and certainly no fighting.

To you, dear reader, when interacting with either siblings or colleagues, be considerate of those you perceive to be less powerful. Never put anyone in a chokehold to get ahead. There is always a better way.  

This is the diary of Asunta Wagura, a mother-of-five who first tested HIV-positive 26 years ago. She is the executive director of the Kenya Network of Women with Aids (Kenwa.) Email: [email protected]