Sex, though a delicious topic, is a complicated one to discuss for most people. Author Malini Chib feels it gets even more complicated when you are a differently abled woman.
Romantic love, sex and sexual intimacy is a celebration of perfection. Film after film, ad after ad, image after image you are subjected to beautiful people falling in love, lusting for one another, getting intimate, having sex. Think hard and tell me, do you remember even a single image where a differently abled person got intimate with someone? Forget intimacy, have you ever seen, in any advertisement or film or any such medium, anybody with even the slightest deformity in their body even fantasising about sex?
In the ‘real’ world, sex and a disabled body do not mix. Well, we differently abled people have other important things to think about, don’t we? Like how do I stop spontaneous drooling, or how do I say one word without slurring, or how do I relieve myself in a restaurant that not only has a cramped toilet, but where the toilet is inaccessible? Where is the time to think of sex or intimacy? Right? Wrong.
Sex and intimacy are subjects hardwired into your brain, no matter who you are. You don’t have to consciously think about them. Do you need to be told to think about sex? Well, neither do we. So what if our hands and legs don’t move properly, or we don’t have eyes to see, or we live all day in our wheelchairs, or we can’t even hold a hand even if we do find a hand to hold? You see, people forget that the most sexual organ in the human body is the brain. If it is intact, we will think of sex, whether we want to or not.
But, that is not how most people see us. For the world, we are objects of pity and patronage. Charity is the best that most of the world can offer to differently abled people. The point is not whether we get sex or not; the point is that we are prevented from even thinking or talking about it.It’s like we suddenly become despicable creatures just because we think, talk and occasionally demand sexual intimacy.
The problem is doubled if you are a woman. The world still comes around to accepting a differently abled man, but not a woman. Socially, women are supposed to be beautiful, pleasant and graceful to look at and they are also potential vessels for bearing children, they are the nurturers or caretakers of the families. A woman in a wheelchair, one with even the slightest physical deformity, fails to fit into this image. You think it’s complicated? Well, it’s doubly complicated for us.
The effect of this lack of intimacy, or even that male sexual gaze is that it denies us a chance to develop our self-worth. A person’s self-worth is dependent on how those around them look at him/her. If a man desires a woman and tries to woo her like a gentleman, it has a great impact on the self-esteem and self-worth of a woman. The same holds true for men— when their advances or hints are reciprocated, it becomes a confirmation of their desirability. But women are made so conscious about their disability that they dread the mere thought of looking at the mirror, lest the obvious truth they see in everyone’s eyes is confirmed by the mirror.
The result of all this is for all to see: I am a 47-year-old woman, with two Masters degrees. I am witty, attractive and funny. I am the published author of a best-selling book that has been translated into seven languages so far. Yet, I have never had a romantic relationship. I have never had a sexual encounter in my life. All because I have cerebral palsy, I spend most of my day in a wheelchair and have slurred speech. I want to be touched sexually. I want to be loved romantically. I want to experience my sexuality.
But I can’t. Even though I have been brought up in a westernised, liberated family and social strata, the topic has rarely been brought up with me. Most people think that if they start the conversation, they will hurt my feelings. Why does the topic of sex frighten everyone when it comes to differently abled people?
It is absurd because sex is as much a basic need for us as it is for you. Our sexual organs are not damaged or affected. The differently abled are asexualised by most doctors, caregivers, friends, family, and, in many cases, themselves. Even social workers and special educators don’t see the importance of the topic being thrashed out in the open. Instead, they infantilise the person.
There has been a lot of progress, worldwide, in the last 50 years in the area of disability rights and issues such as visibility, access, etc. Activists, including those who are differently abled, continue to do a marvellous job in advocating equal rights for us. But even in the West, which is far more advanced in terms of access and facilities, sexuality is still a taboo subject. In India, due to the enormity of the barriers surrounding sexual relationships, differently abled people often find it easier to deny their desires. This denial of a sexual identity implies that looking for a partner or acknowledging sexuality may make women, in particular, susceptible to being branded ‘crude’ or ‘sex-crazy’.
Our sexuality is inextricably linked to our overall health, happiness and sense of wellness. Therefore, to be completely denied this aspect of human interaction leaves a deep, empty void within us. It takes courage to speak out. I will continue to do so, even if it seems scandalous, because I understand the pain of this denial—for many like me who may not be able to express it. The social attitude to the sexual needs of people with disabilities has to change. And it needs to change, now.
Photograph: Fawzan Husain