(MENAFN- Khaleej Times) At last the 2014 fifa world cup kicks off tomorrow in brazil.
adam zacharias
who’s going to win? england. every time the team enters a major tournament the english public becomes awash with an uncharacteristic optimism about the nation’s chances of winning. but this year cynicism rules with roy hodgson’s squad given as much chance of lifting the cup as ashton kutcher’s hopes of winning 2015’s best actor oscar for dude where’s my car 2: dashboard confessional. low expectations may just equal high achievements (for england at least less so for kutcher). plus the squad have been feverishly practising penalties according to steven gerrard so watch out germany. on second thoughts germany to win the tournament.
dark horse: brazil to finally shake off that perennial underdog status and start showing their class on the pitch. you heard it here first.
worst team: if i were neutral i’d say switzerland. i’m not so cameroon – who have an ageing squad competing in the group of death against brazil croatia and mexico.
golden cheat award: the tournament will no doubt have plenty of ‘simulation specialists’ vying for the title of best crocodile tears and most angst-ridden rolls across the turf. however after watching the honduras team introduce a new kickboxing-football hybrid in their friendly against england this week they take the biscuit (after which they’ll probably smash it into a thousand pieces with their fists).
player of the tournament: whilst most of the world will be picking either cristiano ronaldo or lionel messi to shine this summer we think it’ll be a (miroslav) klose call as germany’s veteran striker enters the record books.
possible goal celebrations: the french in a nod to national tradition to joyously mark their opening goal of the tournament by immediately going on strike.
best possible pun scenario/headline: the ivory coast’s didier drogba and france’s paul pogba decide to celebrate post-tournament by setting up their own online shoe business in a polluted brazilian city. headline - ‘drog & pog slog to flog clogs on blog in smog’.
hottest wag: after many many hours of research i currently have 87 world cup wags tied for first place in my league table. so we bring you a picture of cristiano ronaldo’s girlfriend irina shayk.
least likely quote from player: “did i cry when my teammates forgot my pet turtle pancho’s half-birthday? don’t be silly i’m a grown-up…” (yaya toure)
most likely to cause an international incident: jose mourinho. despite the outspoken manager not actually taking part in any official capacity don’t be surprised if he flies over to brazil insults several referees/players/nations claims fifa are spying on him and insists there’s a dark conspiracy that prevented chelsea from qualifying for the world cup.
alex leach
who’s going to win? brazil. they’ve added grit to guile pragmatism to panache and if neymar flourishes amid fervent home support it will take a sterling effort from another nation to deny the hosts their sixth world cup crown.
dark horse: bosnia-herzegovina. world cup debutants with a smattering of household names down the spine of their starting xi. they’ll be anxious to make a good first impression and the balkan floods may bolster further their unity of purpose.
worst team: australia. if the best 23 you can muster for a world cup invariably herald from a-league clubs preston north end and swindon town there’s a very good chance your best won’t be anywhere near good enough.
golden cheat award: luis suarez evoking diego maradona (again) by re-enacting his ball-punching skills from south africa to see uruguay progress from group d alongside italy at the main expense of england. cue national outcry and luis finally gets that long-awaited move to real madrid after all. how convenient…
player of the tournament: neymar. if it does come down to a brazil vs argentina final then this award could well end up being a straight shootout between two fc barcelona club-mates. neymar thus pips lionel messi as the outright individual winner will invariably be picked from the eventual champions.
possible goal celebrations: cristiano ronaldo takes his shirt off (again). samuel eto’o does a corner flag dance a la roger milla at italia ’90. they’re both the same age after all…
best possible pun scenario/headline: messi makes a mess: home fans fearing the underperforming hosts have no chance of winning the world cup unless they undermine their arch rivals decide to poison the food served by argentina’s head chef. the upshot (spelt correctly) is a chronic bout of gastroenteritis for starman lionel messi which has ‘colourful results’ much like gary lineker against the republic of ireland in cagliari 24 years ago…
hottest wag: jennifer lopez. not strictly a wag as she has nothing whatsoever to do with football or the world cup – a bit like her ‘anthem’ with rhyming couplet melody maker pitbull. and it turns out she won’t even be ‘singing’ next to him at the opening ceremony. so to conclude she’s not a wag and won’t be in brazil. she is fit though.
least likely quote from player: “i’m happy at my current club where i’m paid an absolute fortune to play the game i love. my agent has instructed me to say this.” any vaguely well-known player participating at the world cup this summer.
most likely to cause an international incident: colombia’s early elimination; iran vs usa; germany vs the netherlands; bosnia vs croatia; brazil vs argentina; argentina vs england also looks pretty fruity/tasty at the moment given the former’s much-publicised claim to the falkand islands…
david light
who’s going to win? spain. european champions 2008 world cup champions 2010 european champions 2012 … in the words of blackadder’s general sir anthony cecil hogmany melchett: “doing precisely what we’ve done 18 times before is exactly the last thing they’ll expect us to do this time!” which is probably why nobody’s talking about them.
dark horse: black beauty. no? not even a titter? okay then. chile. apparently maths whiz and tv presenter rachel riley has found the statistics point to the less-lauded south american nation. according to her hypothesis the trick is not to peak too early in the qualifying rounds which is bad news for germany and the netherlands who dominated their groups to get to the tournament but a boon for chile who are bubbling up just right.
worst team: avoiding the urge to say england (20 odd years of watching them does that to you) surely the worst team there will be the bbc pundit squad. a snide robbie savage dreary alan hansen and bored looking gary lineker doling out the same lazy nonsense makes us almost glad we get the pleasure of champion misogynists andy gray and richard keys for a month. almost.
golden cheat award: old wounds take a long long time to heal. harbouring the “coca cola-fuelled” handball-concealing midget maradona for so many years really tarnished the argentineans’ football reputation. having yet to recover any of their players could be included but i wouldn’t put it past that lionel messi to make up for his obvious lack of talent with a few late tackles.
player of the tournament: an actual serious answer for a serious player. with every finger and toe crossed like paul gascoigne at italia ’90 before him england’s ross barkley may emerge from this tournament a star.
possible goal celebrations: placed in a state of shock after a deflected free-kick goes in australia celebrate their only tournament goal by paying tribute to their national league’s new hero emile heskey – they all immediately fall over.
best possible pun scenario/ headline: in a game where a terrible back pass from gary cahill prompts teammates phil jagielka and james milner to poke fun at him and in the fourth minute wayne rooney is carried off after overextending himself attempting to catch a wayward cross germany beat england 8-0 in the semi finals of the world cup. headline: jag and mil send up cahill roo stretch a fail; we’re slaughtered.
hottest wag: lassie snoopy or even santa’s little helper: they’ve all got some decent tail action going on but if you’re looking for a picture of an attractive lady here’s the anti child-trafficking campaigner yolanthe sneijder-cabau wife of dutch midfielder wesley.
least likely quote from player: “we just want to say even though we didn’t make it this time to go out on penalties isn’t so bad and we’d just like to wish the usa all the best for the rest of the competition.” (iran captain javad nekounam)
most likely to cause an international incident: jack warner or mohammed bin hammam breaching their fifa-imposed restraining orders keeping them at least 1000 miles away from brazil for the next two months. the thought of making a couple more quid selling spare tickets may prove too strong to ignore.
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