Hello, Mr. Obama. Are you listening?

Zdravstvujtye, Mr. Obama!

It’s been a while. I didn’t see you at Sochi. But it went well, thanks to you. Russia invested 50 billion dollars, so we expected the best. The weather was too warm for winter sports, but, fortunately, the athletes did well, and so did the judges.

I know why you called me, and there’s nothing to worry about. It will never happen. Why would I eat Crimea? It would give me a stomachache! No, I’m just kidding. The Crimean Peninsula used to be a part of Russia, but I am satisfied with the status quo. Leaving it as an autonomous republic makes it easier to intervene in Ukraine. (Just talking to myself there .?.?. )

Why do you demand the withdrawal of Russian forces? How can I withdraw forces that were never dispatched? Tell me how. The soldiers spotted in Crimea are not Russian, as I clarified at the news conference. They are Ukrainian militia, and their uniforms have no insignia or marking. Listen, Mr. Obama, Russia doesn’t pursue imperialism. It is not the country that started a war without solid evidence of weapons of mass destruction. But I am not blaming America in particular. Also, even if they are in fact Russian soldiers, they didn’t harm anyone. Russia doesn’t launch missiles and kill innocent civilians. Again, I’m not talking about the United States.

Even Ukrainian Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk criticized me? Well, if you listen carefully, he hopes for improved relations with Russia. And he also offered to give more autonomy to Crimea. I am very grateful. Do you want to export shale gas to Europe and reduce my influence? You can do whatever you want. So you don’t want my help in Syria, Iran and North Korea. You will do just fine without me, as you have European friends who flatter you.

Mr. Obama, I hope you haven’t forgotten the Cuban Missile Crisis. President John F. Kennedy risked a war and barely prevented Soviet missiles from being positioned right near the United States. Ukraine is located adjacent to Russia. If you were me, what would you do if the United States and NATO put a gun right at Russia? The U.S. State Department argued, “The world has not seen such startling Russian fiction since Fyodor Dostoyevsky wrote, ‘The formula “two plus two equals five” is not without its attractions.’?”

But Dostoyevsky also said, “The greatest happiness is to know the source of unhappiness.” You need to find out where your unhappiness begins. Don’t mind the American media’s mockery that Obama has been outdone by Putin once again. The media don’t know what they are talking about. Dasvidaniya!

*The author is an international news editor of the JoongAng Ilbo.

JoongAng Ilbo, March 7, Page 31

By LEE HOON-BEOM