The Rihanna Rihport: Leaked Tracklist?!?!?!?!?!? Edition

Rihanna quit Instagram in May. The Rihanna Rihport is where we try to cope.

DATELINE: Rihanna, October 23—The biggest rumors of 2014 of all time have emerged this week and we at the Rihport can barely keep it inside! According to the internet gossip sites, Rihanna’s eighth album MAY have a release date in late November, possibly the 25th! And it MAY be called R8! OR also, though, it MAY be called Lost Files! As Navy, we are thinking that Lost Files is probably not the name of it though because Rihanna is too magnificent to be associated with things that are so mundane and boring as files—unless she is referring to MP3 files, of course! In which case, YAAAAS! R8 is cooler though and would match her outfits better anyway.

LIKE THIS ONE! Okay, so, important background: on Tuesday, October 21, Our Gal Riri stepped out to pay a visit to her dentist, in NEW YORK CITY! NORMALLY, we might worry that she had some kind of tooth ailment or cavity but to be honest we just know it was a routine checkup because not even an evil spiritual overlord would foist pain on the glorious and holy mouth of the Most Precious on High, She of the JFK/CDG abbrev’ shirt, RIHANNA F.! Besides, she doesn’t look like she is in pain, and she also stopped outside the dentist to take a selfie with a fan, because she is RIHANNA!

Flossin!

Also this week, this ALLEGED tracklist from Rihanna’s eighth album “leaked,” but to that leak we say, POSSIBLY STEP OFF! It surfaced to the internet of dubious origins AKA WHO KNOWS if some rando Blogspot faux-Navy decoy dude just INVENTED it for FAME, but aside from the collaborations which have ALLEGEDLY already been CONFIRMED—Drake, Nicki Minaj, Big Sean, Eminem—these song titles are seeming like NO WAY, JOSÉ! “Hall of Flames”? “A Drug & A Dream”? Those song titles do not sound cool enough for our precious PURVEYOR OF THE MOST HIGH, EXTRANEOUSLY COOL GODDESS RIHANNA!

But then again—IS IT REAL? The NAVY is SPLIT, but as Twitter user @PK_Navy aka “Rihanna’s weed bag” speculated, the song called “Barz” sounds so FAKE! Another theory: could the people at Roc Nation, Rihanna’s label, be giving out fake names in order to DECEIVE US in order to SURPRISE US when the ACTUAL REAL names finally DROP?! Has to be, right? They really seem to love and care about us, almost as much as we care about MIZ Rihanna! ROC NATION DECLARES: NO SPOILER ZONE!!!!

What we DO know for sure is that she IS in the STUDIO! She was spotted leaving her apartment on October 18 to go record, and in between surely making the MOST MASTERFUL MASTERPIECE of an album that we have ever heard since Unapologetic, she has had time to promote her new perfume for men—ROGUE MAN—and to frolic at New York dining establishments with friends! Saturday, October 20 must have been a PARTICULARLY special occasion because she arrived at Da Silvano restaurant in the West Village looking SUPER PROFESSIONAL and FRENCH! We all know that Rihanna loves her Italian food, so she decided to celebrate it by wearing GLASSES and fancy leather gloves so she didn’t have to put her hand on anything and leave any fingerprints behind. She also carried a super fancy Chanel purse and looked like she KNOWS we’re all waiting so hard for her new album! Oh Rihanna, LET US IN ON YOUR SECRET!

Fancy Drew to the rescue!

MAYBE, though, Rihzus is wearing those glasses because she knows she’s about to school some fools! That’s right: the University of Texas has put together a new class for its students to take next year that is all entirely about Rihanna and how she is a SUPER STRONG WOMAN! The class is called “Beyoncé Feminism, Rihanna Womanism,” and it is described like this:

Students in this class will learn that there is far more than catchy melodies to Beyoncé’s and Rihanna’s music. They will not be simply listening to Beyoncé and Rihanna for fun or even comparing the roles of Beyoncé and Rihanna in popular culture, rather, students will be studying how the lyrics, music videos, and actions of these women express various aspects of black feminism such as violence, economic opportunity, sexuality, standards of beauty, and creative self-expression. The instructor hopes for students to understand the role black feminism plays in popular culture as well as everyday life.

WELL NO DUH UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS!!! LATE PASS! Rih Nation: if you do not attend the University of Texas, all you have to do to learn these things is Join The Navy—the RIHANNA Navy, that is!

In more somber news, we regret to have to inform you that Riri is publicly and openly admitting that she is sad to be apart from her best friend Melissa Forde, tweeting “I miss my trappin’ pahtna!!! @melissaforde11 where art thou?” Melissa Forde responded back on Instagram with a picture that made us even sadder:

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WHY ARE THEY APART, RIHPLE?! This is SO upsetting because the thought of Rihanna feeling lonely at ANY moment is HORRIBLE, especially when it’s her BFF and “trappin pahtna” MELISSA “@mforde11” FORDE!

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY: MForde may be the ANSWER to all the QUESTIONS we have about this new supposed “leaked” tracklist and album title because on Monday she instagrammed an old picture of herself with the caption #LOSTFILE!!!!!! WAS THAT A REAL SPOILER? IS SHE JUST TRYING TO GET OUR GOAT? MELISSA FORDE, QUIT PLAYIN GAMES WITH OUR HEAAAARRRRRRRTTTTS!